I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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