You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
