The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
