So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
