The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
