I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
