You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize