how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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