as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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