Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she told me i tasted like america
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
