I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize