i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
