someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
