Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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