Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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