My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
