i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
