I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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