my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
