Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
