just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
