it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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