Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
