Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
