umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
