Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
