Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
