So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
