the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
