More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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