I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
