i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
