and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
