remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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