I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Houston, we have a squirter
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
