NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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