Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
