Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
