dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
