def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
