he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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