My brain says no but my pants say off.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
