Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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