I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
