my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
