have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Still dying that you shit outside
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
