He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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