Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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