who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
