i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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