I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
