Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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