I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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