fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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