i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
