So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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