Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
