So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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