I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
