I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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