hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
